Pure Pleasure by Ivan W. Griffin

Physical boundaries in Christian dating often feel like a high‑stakes guessing game. We want to be holy, but we also like each other, and the "line" always seems to shift in the dark. Most of us hate the idea of sitting down and asking, "So… what are your physical boundaries?" It feels unspiritual, unromantic, and a little presumptuous. But without that clarity, we are drifting toward compromise.

Why “Guessing” Boundaries Goes So Wrong

When there is no clarity, we naturally drift toward whatever feels good in the moment. Our bodies were designed by God to respond to touch with neurochemicals like oxytocin and dopamine, which create a powerful pull toward further intimacy. These chemicals are good in marriage, but in dating, they act like fog, making it harder to see the road ahead.

What starts as "just a little affection" often becomes a slow edging closer to the line. Without a clear standard of "not even a hint," we usually default to the standard of the person with the weakest boundaries, leading to regret and a fractured conscience.

Lust, Love, and the Myth of “Harmless” Touch

In Pure Pleasure, we distinguish between healthy desire and destructive lust. Lust is using someone else for your own gratification, even if it's "just" in your mind or through "minor" physical touch. Honoring God means treating the other person's body as a temple, not a playground.

Physical touch is never just “skin deep.”

Intimate contact—prolonged kissing, fondling, or lying together—is essentially foreplay. It is the body's natural preparation for sex. When we engage in these behaviors outside of marriage, we are firing up an engine that we have no intention of putting in gear, which creates frustration and spiritual tension.

God calls us not just to avoid the final act of intercourse, but to flee situations that stir up lust. Purity isn't just about "we're not having sex"; it's a heart posture that seeks to honor God by not even hinting at sexual immorality.

Why We Avoid the Conversation

Most Christian couples dodge the "boundary talk" for three main reasons:

Fear of looking “less spiritual”: Thinking that if you have to talk about it, you must be struggling more than others.
Fear of rejection: Worrying that your standards will be a "turn-off" to the person you like.
Fear of awkwardness: It’s simply uncomfortable to bring sexuality into the light of a normal conversation.

However, the deeper issue exposed in Pure Pleasure is often that we fear the loss of pleasure more than we fear grieving God. This subtle idolatry keeps the guessing game alive.

A Better Way: Agreeing on Boundaries Together

We need to shift from asking "How far can we go?" to "How close can we stay to God's standard?" This is a form of mutual discipleship.

Here are practical principles drawn from the book’s teaching on lust, hedges, and dating:

Naming the goal: Explicitly state that honoring God is more important than preserving current patterns of affection.
Identifying “spark points”: Recognize the specific times or settings where you feel most vulnerable to compromise.
Setting proactive hedges: Establish clear limits around times, places, and types of touch that are off-limits.
Remembering the forest fire: A little arousal is not neutral; it is a spark in a dry forest. Apply the "not even a hint" rule.

This isn't about returning to a shame-based purity culture; it's about mutual love and the protection of each other's souls.

How to Actually Have the Talk

Someone has to go first. Instead of worrying about being unromantic, focus on the question: "How can I best protect this person’s soul and future?"

Try using these starter phrases:

“I don’t want us to keep guessing where the line is. I want to be clear so we can both feel safe and honored.”
“My desire is that, years from now, we can look back on this season with zero regret and a clean conscience.”
“Where do you feel most vulnerable in our relationship? I want to help guard those areas with you.”

The initial awkwardness of this talk is a small price to pay to avoid the long-term weight of regret. Avoiding these talks leads to both physical compromise and a weaker foundation of trust.

From Guessing to Guarding

The guessing game is a symptom of a reluctance to bring our sexuality into the light. Pure Pleasure calls us to stop flirting with temptation and to "make no provision for the flesh" by taking thoughts captive and planting hedges.

Clear, shared boundaries are a way for two disciples to love God and each other well. Instead of asking, “How far will we go this time?” we ask, “How can we help each other finish this season with clean consciences and whole hearts?”